he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
