According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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