she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
