She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
