Barsexuality is the new black.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
