Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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