No more Irish car bombs ever.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
