I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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