Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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