My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if only i could text you this smell
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
