i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
