They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
