You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
