I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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