Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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