the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
