The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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