i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
