when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
