Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
