How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
