OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
