I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
