I want you more than these girls want KFC
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
