I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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