Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
