when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
