Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
