Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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