drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
