I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
