I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
