Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
