is your mom at the bar?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
