A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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