last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
