Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
