There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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