im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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