Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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