I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
