"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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