hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
