I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
