Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
