I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
