where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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