she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
