idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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