Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
